Take This Fragile Heart
by broadwaystar4life
Summary: Rufus and Lily. This story takes place six months after Lily and Bart got married and Rufus went on tour with his band. It's from Lily's point of view and is based on the TV series. Chapter 3 now up!
1. As Long As You

I never thought I would fall for someone like Rufus Humphrey. So… unlike me, but at the same time, my soul mate. I thought I left him in the past, that night…

"_what are you saying Lil?"_

"_we… I just can't see you anymore."_

"_does this have anything to do with your mother?"_

"_no, of course not. It's just," my mind was spinning, like I had just been knocked out and couldn't remember the fight. It was scary saying the next sentence I had rehearsed over and over in my head._

"_I don't want to be with you anymore, Rufus. I… I found someone else." Rufus' eyes filled with anger and jealously but before I could find deep satisfaction in his emotions, I ran. I didn't look behind at him, only at the door to my mansion. I had given up everything for my first love and, because of my arrogant mother, in the blink of an eye, I lost it all._

That was then, this is now. Up until last year my life had been the same old grind. Keep Serena out of trouble, keep Erik safe, and marry a billionaire while I'm at it. But then, Erik tried to commit suicide, Serena came back from boarding school all whole-and-healed, and I got a divorce and involved with Bart Bass. With the return of my daughter came her Brooklyn boyfriend, Dan, whose father just happened to be the man I was running away from twenty years ago. Before I knew it, my life had become a bad country song on repeat: boy loves girl; girl loves boy; girl loves money; girl leaves boy; girl and boy find out that their children are dating and now have to put their feelings aside because girl's daughter didn't want girl to go away with boy. Yeah, that song would top the Top 20 Countdown charts in a second.

In the time since last September, things had gotten a lot more complicated than what I just said. I had some rough spots with Bart so I used Rufus to make him jealous that night at Eleanor's, for example, and ended the night feeling happy that Bart and I were back together but disappointed that I used a friend as my little puppet to get Bart back. It wasn't even worth it either because, just two weeks since the party, he supposedly cheated on me with one of his co-workers (it was just a misunderstanding between Chuck and his father but it still hurt).

I thought that after I married Bart everything would be fine. I would go back to my high society life and forget all about little Humphrey, that is until Serena got dumped by Humphrey and we moved back into our old house. It was nice to be back in a stable house, but I don't know, something about the three story mansion didn't feel like _home_. Oh, I know what you're thinking, '_The only place she'll feel at home is with Rufus.' _Blah, Blah… well you know what? You're wrong! Because I'm not in love with Rufus Humphrey… that much. Wait, what am I saying? I take that back… the last part… the 'that much' part.

Anyways, tonight is the most important socialite party hosted by Eleanor Waldorf and Anne Archibald (poor woman; lost everything thanks to her no-good husband's cocaine, embezzlement, and fraud problem and him fleeing to Dominica I can't begin to fathom the idea of her deciding to host a party all by herself, which is why Eleanor insisted she assist) and I still haven't chosen anything to wear. Maybe I still have that vintage Chanel shift that I wore three years ago on my honeymoon. With any luck no one will recognize it if I add some updated diamond jewelry.

I made my way up to the attic, tore up practically half the room and still haven't found the shift.

"Looking for this?"

I turned to see Rufus standing in the doorway, holding a black dress. _The _black dress. The same black dress I wore to the rehearsal dinner for my recent wedding and the same black dress I, uh, _discarded_ at a local hotel the last time I saw him… long story.

"No, besides, What are you doing here? I thought I locked the door."

Rufus entered the attic and dropped the dress on a sheet-covered nightstand. "I took the elevator. I heard you go upstairs," he responded, a little frustrated that I hadn't assumed that, it seemed.

I grabbed the dress in haste and practically ran down the stairs to my bedroom, hoping Rufus wouldn't follow me. Better yet, he should just leave! Why did he have to show up the day Bart was in Cancun on business? "I don't have time for this Rufus. I have somewhere I need to be." I said, quite annoyed that I still couldn't find that shift.

"Where's Bart?"

I still couldn't look at him. After all, it had been six months since I last saw him because he had been on the road. Maybe this was his way of reuniting peacefully… yeah right. Since when was life peaceful?

"Cancun. Why do you care?"

I ventured into my untidy closet (the maid went with Bart) and started lifting different articles of clothing up and flinging them into the air like some mad robber trying to find money or other valuables in an empty house. I heard Rufus walk in as well, stopping a few steps behind me. "You know, I can have you arrested for stalking me." I said deliberately. Feed up with the fact he was still here. "Look, you can either leave or be escorted out. Your choice." Finally finding the Jimmy Cho pumps I lost three weeks ago.

Rufus chuckled, "Escorted by whom, the doorman? He's the wimpiest guy I have ever seen, Lil." That was the last straw. I rose from the kneeling position I was in on the floor and finally faced him. He looked good for being on the road with little to no sleep. The nice, scruffy, bad guy look was actually working for him… wait, Lillian, STOP! "No one calls me Lil anymore." I said pushing him out of the way so that I could get to my chest of drawers. He followed, man this was getting old fast.

"Well, then call me no one." he said, a smile seemingly, permanently plastered on his face. "What are you _ever-so-desperately_ looking for? Any way I can help?" I shook my head still distracted in the attempt to find that Chanel! "I'm looking for a gold, beaded, short dress that looks like it is from the 20's. Do you see it anywhere?" I turned just in time to see Rufus carefully lifting the dress out of an open piece of luggage. "This it?" he asked with deep satisfaction in his face again, like he was some big hero. I snatched the dress from his hands and locked myself in the bathroom.

I quickly (quicker than usual at least) got dressed and opened the door, all the while hoping that Rufus had gotten bored and left. I opened the double French doors to see… Rufus. Damn it. "You know I can have you arrested for stalking." With my hands folded across my chest. Rufus rose from his spot of the bed and walked right over to me. Him just standing inches away from my face made me feel powerless as I unfolded my arms. He took both my hands in his and looked straight into my eyes. My stomach turned and it gave me the jitters. I got scared and looked down feeling a mix of guilt and excitement. Rufus released my right hand and tilted my head up with his left, my eyes still closed. I slowly opened them and looked him straight in the eyes. I opened my mouth to say something.

"_I love you."_


	2. Mamma Mia!

"What?"

I turned to see Serena and Dan standing in the doorway, shock painted on their faces. Rufus and I both stepped back at the same time, searching my brain for a logical answer to two questions I had: A. How the hell am I going to explain to my daughter and B. Why did I just say I love you to a man I was not married to? I opened my mouth to say that it's not what they think but Rufus beat me to the punch, only not in the way I wanted.

"Guys, Lily and I love each other. We were afraid to tell you since you two are now dating." He said almost instantly. I was in a state of shock but in true Van Der Woodsen style, I saved the emotions for after the war. This fight had to be dealt with, right here, right now.

"What the hell are you talking about Rufus? _You_ were the one who came here and didn't leave when _I_ told you to. _You_ were the one who made the move."

"Yes, but _you_ were the one who said _'I love you'_."

Lily turned to face a now-in-shock Serena and tried to tell her she had no idea what he was talking about with her eyes.

"You said '_I love you'_?" Serena practically screamed.

Obviously she didn't get the message.

"No, of course not sweetheart. He…" But before I could finish my sentence, Dan interrupted, speaking like a child who had been wrongly accused of a crime he didn't commit, "Mrs. Va-I mean Ba- Lily, we heard you."

"How could you do this to me, mom? And not only me but Bart and Erik and Ch...", she paused for a moment, realizing that Chuck didn't care what Lilly did, "Bart!"

I was speechless. I had never been in such a cornered situation before. And it had to involve Rufus, Dan and Serena, didn't it? I began to panic. My heart racing. I ran to the attic and locked myself in, slamming my back to the door. I heard them climbing the stairs, racing to the door, then pounding on it, yelling for my to 'open up'. I couldn't take it anymore. I slid down and sat still with my back against the door, even though I was positive it was locked. Then, everything I had gone through in the past year or so came flooding back like a movie on fast forward. The first time I came to see Rufus to talk to him about Dan and Serena dating, the night Erik escaped from the Ostroff Center, the kiss at Eleanor's, and the night of my rehearsal dinner were just some of the memories that surrounded me. I just started to break down, crying my eyes out.

They must have heard me because after a minute of sobbing, the door swung open, hitting me in the head. They ran in, not noticing me on the floor. I tried to collect myself while they wondered where I was, then stood up. Serena turned around and out of habit, pulled me into a forgiving hug. She let go and I looked around, only to see Dan. Rufus finally left. All this time I wanted Rufus gone, and now that he was, there was something that I was feeling, that was unexplainable, was taking over me.

Serena and Dan went back down to the main floor in silence and left me up there alone. I just stood in the middle of the room, recapping the last hour. I couldn't comprehend it. I felt like I was in the same position Rufus must have been 20 years ago when I ran away from him. I was just standing there, unable to move or talk, frozen like time was standing still. I suddenly got real dizzy, the room was spinning, It wouldn't stop. I fell backwards into someone's arms. They were strong like a man's but held me like I was the most delicate thing in the world. I seriously _prayed _to God it was Rufus holding me.

"Lily? Are you awake?"

I woke up in my bedroom, in my sleepwear, in my bed. Bart in his mourning suit for work. "What happened? How did I get here?" I said half awake. "What do you mean '_here_'? I came home from my trip last night and you were in bed fast asleep," he responded with a trace of annoyance in his voice," Anyways, I've got to get to work. I have to finish closing that deal today so I won't be home till close to midnight, honey." He walked over and kissed my cheek, then hurried out the door. I know I didn't just dream what happened between me and Rufus. I slowly got out of bed and put on my robe. I went into Erik's room, then Serena's, then Chuck's, all of which were empty. I went back to my bedroom and got dressed in a white, beaded _Alice + Olivia _shift dress (what was with me and shift dresses lately?) then went ahead and checked my cell phone messages:

"_Four unheard messages. First unheard message:"_

"_Lillian, it's Bart. I am amidst the final stages of the business deal for the property in Cancun. I just wanted to let you know I am flying back to New York tonight and that I am missing you terribly darling. See you tonight."_

"_Next message:"_

"_Lily! It's Eleanor wondering where the hell you are! I thought you of all people would come to my soiree! I'll see you tomorrow. Hopefully you'll have a reasonable explanation by then."_

"_Next message:"_

"_Lily, it's Anne. Just checking in with you. Eleanor is still freaking out about you missing our party last night. By the way, where _were _you? Call me back if you can!"_

"_Next message:"_

"_Lil-I mean Lily, it's me, Rufus… obviously. Look I'm so sorry about what I said last night. I..I just didn't know what to say when Dan and Serena walked in and I couldn't think straight. I never meant to make you cry like that. I-."_

"_You don't have to apologize, I want to see you. I'll be at the gallery at 4 today. If you don't show up by 4:15, I'm leaving." _Lily closed her phone and closed her eyes as she sat back down on her unmade bed.

This was going to be a long day.


	3. What You Want

The cab ride took longer than expected, or maybe it just felt that way. Like I was running at full speed to the past I'd been trying to run full speed away from. The cab driver stopped in front of the Bedford Avenue Gallery, the art gallery that Rufus owned to showcase his wife's… well _ex-_wife's art. I have to say, the art is extraordinary and if Alison, I winced thinking her name, didn't have such bitterness towards me, I probably would tell her in person. But then again, _she _was the one who practically through me out of Rufus' life.

I took the smallest steps I'd ever taken towards the gallery while trying to collect my thoughts. _Maybe he won't be here,_ a voice in my head said,_ maybe he just didn't get my message._

_Yeah right. If he's not here it's because he doesn't _want_ to be here. _Another voice reasoned.

The same voice who said 'I do' beside Bart.

The same voice that said 'I don't' to Rufus.

This world was revolving around the past and present, but the future was still the vast emptiness that remand unchanged. And could change with a couple of steps forward. What if Rufus _was_ there, though? What would I say? The conversation I had planned on going through in my head was still, like the future, uncertain. I'd just have to wing it.

I sauntered into the gallery. _I can do this. I can do this._ the line repeating a thousand times in my mind. Before I knew it, I was standing in the middle of the room, frozen with shock. Rufus was there. And I shouldn't really have a problem with that.

Except for the fact that Rufus was there.

Holding something.

Right then and there, in black and white, was the one thing I was afraid of.

Didn't he know I was in love?

I… couldn't move.


End file.
